


Chasing the Black-Caped Man

by purglepurglepurgle



Category: Final Fantasy VII (Video Game 1997)
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Humour, Rufus doesn't know planes, lazy prose, materialistic!Tseng, obnoxious!Rufus, orchestrated incompetence, pure silliness, stuff and nonsense, wallpapering over plotholes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2020-09-01 18:49:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 755
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20262826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purglepurglepurgle/pseuds/purglepurglepurgle
Summary: Set during the original game, shortly after Cloud'n'co have escaped Midgar. Tseng notices Rufus has packed a travel bag, and wants to know why. Comedy nonsense.





	Chasing the Black-Caped Man

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon Rufus and Tseng as getting on quite well, in general, but sometimes it's fun to write them as much more antagonistic, especially for silliness like this. Set during the original game, shortly after cloud'n'co have escaped Midgar. I consider it AU, but then comedy generally is, so hey. Bit sweary.

"You're travelling?" said Tseng, noticing the bag in Rufus' hand and wondering why he himself hadn't been invited. Not least because he was meant to be having a meeting with the new President that week, concerning his bonus. It couldn't come soon enough; down to the last gil, Tseng had planned out his apartment refurbishments, and the last ten weekends had vanished in a vortex of catalogues promising the ultimate in sunken bathtubs. Not to mention, the _tiles_. Of course, that had been before all the trouble with AVALANCHE...

"Next ferry," said Rufus, breezily. "Be in Costa Del Sol by the afternoon."

"I see," said Tseng. He wondered if the new President would get changed en route. He'd be stifling, otherwise, under all those layers of black and white. More to the point, Tseng wondered why he was only hearing about this _now_. What about his bonus? "Is it something I ought to know about?"

"Nosey, aren't you?" Rufus slung his bag over his shoulder.

Tseng bit back the 'that's my job' and instead kept it neutral. "If there are any security arrangements you require--"

"I'm bringing a fucking army with me," said Rufus, eyes gleaming. Tseng wasn't too familiar with him, yet, but he'd already learned to loathe that gleam. "Heidegger's lot. Those terrorists try anything, we'll put a lot more holes in them than they'll put in me."

_It only takes one,_ thought Tseng, but again, he kept it to himself.

"I see, Sir," said Tseng.

"Aren't you going to ask me why I'm going?"

_I wouldn’t want to be __**nosey**__, _thought Tseng.

"Does it concern me, Sir?" said Tseng.

Rufus snorted. "Looks like we don't pay you for your inquiring mind." He flipped his hair, proud of his joke, and his utter inconsistency, presumably. He cleared his throat. Tseng braced himself. He could just tell the President was itching to give a speech. "Well, listen to me. I want to track Sephiroth, and for that, I'm going to need a plane."

Tseng frowned. Shinra had both airships and helicopters.

"The only plane in the world," Rufus continued, "is in the backyard of some failed astronaut, Highwind-something. Only remember it because we have that airship named after him."

_Exactly, we _ _ **have** _ _ the airship..._

"And," said Rufus, "That sad bastard lives in Rocket Town. So, looks like I need to make a cross-continental trip. That's the story." He shrugged.

Tseng couldn't help it, he had to ask. "That route... you're going to cross the Nibel mountains? Yourself?"

"No, I'm going to send Reno in a wig. Of _course_ I'm going."

"I see, Sir..." He wondered how to phrase it, then gave up. "It's dangerous terrain."

"Hence my fucking army. Are you really the Head of Department? You don't seem sharp enough."

"Shinra has airships." Tseng had been successfully goaded. "Why a plane?"

Rufus rolled his eyes. "Because," he said, tightening one bag strap, "it's a fucking biplane. And _that_ means it's got biplane wings. And _that _means I can go for a wingwalk."

Tseng was lost for words. He saw his dream bathroom explode in flames, the same flames that would torch this idiot president when he crashed the damn plane into a mountain.

"Do you know how fucking _bored_ I am?" said Rufus, shouldering the bag again. "Terrorist kills my old man, almost good news, except now I'm expected to rule? Fuck that. Stupid people droning on about Sephiroth-- _Sephiroth_! Dead five years! Had board meetings on this nonsense all week; I've had enough. It's like I said in my appointment speech-- give the common people a good scare, keep them under control, job done; no need for all this _work_. Meanwhile, only fun I've had in the last year was dangling off that helicopter, trying to shoot that crackpot ex-SOLDIER. So, I want a bit more of that. I'm off to 'track Sephiroth down', very busy, can't be reached for the next few months. Maybe I'll take up paragliding."

"I see," said Tseng. He tasted ash.

_A rainforest showerhead!_

"Tell you what, your lot should go South," Rufus said, over his shoulder, heading for the door. "You bump into AVALANCHE, tell them you're tailing Sephiroth, too. Should give you a laugh, if you're capable of it."

"Very well," said Tseng.

Oh, his team would go South, alright. They'd tail the new president every step of the way, they'd clear the path, and they would see that he reached the plane without incident.

But they would make _sure_ that AVALANCHE got there first.


End file.
